Death Cab for Cutie has a song titled "Lack of Color," which mainly describes a fallen relationship. This is not why I've given this entry its name; instead my own interpretation of the phrase is very fitting for life right now. I feel there is a lack of color...everywhere. It's easy to blame this perception on the change of season, for the beauty of Fall has left the branches stark and bare, but I think it's something else.
I think it's me.
I have become so caught up in the monotonous day-to-day that I have lost all ability to appreciate the color spectrum of life. Everyday, I get up at 5 (5:20 if I'm being honest) to arrive at work by 7. Work brings its daily dose of verbal abuse from pubescent students whose feelings of entitlement continually worsens. After I am released of being an emotional punching bag, I make the trek home where Ben and I eat an early dinner. Coming home is always a step up from being at school, but I never allow myself to be excited about my arrival or to accept Ben's generous outpouring of love. By this time my wall is up, and I refuse to take it down. If we have scheduled activities for the evening, we get them accomplished in a timely manner to ensure I can be in bed by 8pm. I go to sleep, and start everything over again the next day.
I have allowed my circumstances to define my life. But shouldn't my life actually define my circumstances? Yes, I work a crappy job that I wouldn't wish on anyone. Yes, I deal with students who are convinced I am a Nazi daily. Yes, I am beat up and broken, but why does this have to define my life? I have an amazing husband who never ceases to pursue me despite my hardened-heart. I have a loving and supportive community who continues to encourage me in dark times. I have a dog who is ecstatic to see me each and every single day. Most importantly, I have a God who loves me despite any shortcoming I may have. All this, and I have trouble seeing the color in life?
I believe the core of this issue is that I have stopped embracing my relationships as a privilege; instead I see them as an obligation. I am going to stop viewing relationships as an I have to, and change it to an I get to. I should be ever-joyful because everyday, I GET TO. Whether I get to love my husband, or I get to fellowship with friends, or I get to take Arie on a walk, or I get to talk and hear from God.
I am praying that this change in attitude not only allows me to see and appreciate life's abundance of color, but that I add color to any life that may cross my path.
